World Domination

April 20, 2006 at 5:55 pm 2 comments

I grew up Baptist, a religion famous for scaring its parishioners into good behavior through tales of fire and brimstone. Sometime in my formative years I was told at church that there was no mention at all of North America in Revelations or the Bible as a whole. The point being, that since there is no mention of my country, it will probably be blown off the face of the planet before the events in the book of Revelations ever come to pass. As my dear friend and writing parnter says “a thinking person” knows this means nothing, the Bible doesn’t mention dinosaurs either, but they still existed. But I can still hear that declaration echoing in my head. I look around at the mess that America is in and it makes me think of the fall of Rome, the super power Russia USED to be. The battle cry of the British army was once “make the world English”. Nothing and nobody ever gets to the top of the heap and stays there. There is a cycle, you climb, and struggle, and get there… then you creep, crawl or tumble back down to start again. My friend e-mailed me the following today, the author is unknown, the sentiment is that of most of my friends and neighbors, but fantasy none the less because when one looks at the world, America isn’t big enough to be autonomous.

WOULDN’T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH? My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed.
Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete. This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Italy, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there. The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world’s nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.
The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption. Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France. In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth, with the help of our European allies. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. Yes, they do have diplomatic immunity, but we don’t care because we are mighty. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York. I’m big.
Mexico is on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tanks and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security.
Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty – starting now.
We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we’ll be drilling for oil in Alaska – which, hopefully, will take care of this country’s oil needs for decades to come. If you’re an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, “darn tootin, we are big!”
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thank you guys. We owe you and we won’t forget.
To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic. God bless America. Thank you and good night.

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

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This Writer’s Life April The Green Eyed Monster

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. land.downunder  |  April 22, 2006 at 12:19 am

    Of course America on her own is not big enough, no one country is. But remember your friends, as we all support each other.
    I am reminded of the song.

    He Ain’t heavy, he is my brother.

    In many ways the Western World is more united now than at any other time in history.

    Reply
  • 2. Kat Campbell  |  April 22, 2006 at 9:40 am

    Excellent point my aussie friend! I’m so happy your on that authors List #1!

    Reply

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