Christmas 2006

December 25, 2006 at 12:27 pm 15 comments

Santa has come, delivered the loot, ate the cookies, watered the reindeer and gone.santa-2006-1.jpg  It’s nearly two in the morning, and while I know there will be three spunky little ladies hurtling down the stairs in just a few hours, I just can’t sleep. 

Part of my insomnia is just my love of Christmas.  By this time tomorrow it will be over.  I’ll start to notice that there’s dust on the Nutcrackers.  The candles will be burned down to stubs.  The tree, once adorned with colorful packages, will be nothing more than a cat ravaged pine hunkering over a single broken bulb. 

A sliver of my insomnia is caused by the fear that I have or will miss something.  I won’t hear the gasps of surprise and shining eyes when the grandgirls first see what Santa brought.  I might have forgotten to make something on tomorrow’s menu that must be chilled overnight. 

I can’t sleep because it was a fun Christmas Eve.  From goofing in the kitchen while we ruined not one, but two batches of fudge to an intense conversation regarding whether the note from Santa could be done on the computer (“Santa would have a laptop…duh!”  Princess concluded), it was fun to make Christmas with two of my girls, one of which, just last year, was my lost child.  

I can’t sleep because once again, I have a lost child.  The loss of my son on this holiday weighs more heavily on my heart than the loss of my girl ever did.  We missed her with the frantic intensity you feel when a child has wandered away from you in the grocery store.   Hysterical, and scared, but comforted by the thought that you’ll find her and she is just as scared and desperate to find you.  My son has rejected us.  Has found the family so inconsequential that he’d rather spend the day alone, than drive the hour it takes to get home.  I don’t understand, I’m worried about him. 

Tomorrow, I’ll laugh and talk and play and eat with the children and grandchildren who want to be with me.  But tonight my mind is on my lonely lost son who went away to college four years ago, and just can’t seem to find his way back home. 


Entry filed under: Holidays.

Holiday Wishes to All My Friends Turn Out the Lights…The Parties Over

15 Comments Add your own

  • 1. DaveM  |  December 25, 2006 at 1:14 pm

    Kat, sometimes the kids can be so hurtful and not realise how much pain they are causing. I’m sure that if your son realised how upset and hurt you were he wouldn’t want that. Its only when they get older, maybe have families of their own, and they look back at some of the things they did or said to their parents that they realise the impact of the actions.
    Give a call and tell him how much you miss him.

  • 2. jackie  |  December 25, 2006 at 8:52 pm

    Aww, Kat, he probably needs a little space right now. And though the time of year makes it more acute for you – remember how you were at that age. EVERYTHING is earth shattering, and they see with tunnel vision. From the little I know of your family from ‘visiting’ you here – my guess is that he’s missing all of you as much as you are missing him. Afterall, he knows what Christmas is at home and how big it is. And secondly, that next Christmas will be completely different than this one for him. Different times, different actions, all part of that puzzle of life, huh?! Glad you are enjoying the grandgirls so, and hope today is full of peace and love for you.

    P.S. I couldn’t sleep last night, either! We’re worse than the kids! LOL

  • 3. LauraJ  |  December 25, 2006 at 9:04 pm

    what’s say you all just dont pack everyone in cars a go to him!
    Merry Christmas!! I’m sorry you are hurting, big big hugs to you and all of yours!!

  • 4. hayden  |  December 25, 2006 at 10:24 pm

    Merry Christmas, Kat. All children need to separate to show independance. I think it’s harder for boys…..
    May your entire family be gathered together in 2007, all strays home and accounted for.

  • 5. Diesel  |  December 26, 2006 at 12:27 am

    Try not to worry, Kat. I was a stupid kid once too, and I came around. I hope you have a good Christmas, in the anticipation of even better ones to come.

  • 6. Nessa  |  December 26, 2006 at 4:55 am

    Merry Christmas, Kat and great, good wishes for a happy, healthy New Year.

    Sometimes college induces a need for independence in some children. I am sorry you are sad for your son. I hope he comes home to you, soon.

  • 7. Quilldancer  |  December 26, 2006 at 5:36 am

    I stopped and said a prayer for your family. Give him time, just keep the line of communication open and let him know he is loved.

  • 8. Stacy  |  December 26, 2006 at 4:04 pm

    Hey Kat, I hope you were able to have a good Christmas even though you were missing your son. I know it hurt this year, but you brought him up right. I’m sure that he’ll find his way back to you. He knows you love him and that the door is always open.

  • 9. Catch  |  December 26, 2006 at 4:41 pm

    Oh Kat…I so hear what you are saying…nothing can hurt you like one of your own children can it? I hope you were able to enjoy your Christmas anyway. As Mothers we are used to working around a little heartache, arent we? Rest assured Kat, he will be back and I bet he was miserable not being with the family.

  • 10. tony  |  December 26, 2006 at 6:28 pm

    I was a bit lost at college as well. I was hangin’ out with the wrong people, drinkin’ a bit too much, and, just being a bad egg. I found my way back to my family though. I realized, finally, that blood is thicker than water. I hit that bottom and God picked me up by my bootstraps and showed me the way back home. It was incredibly surreal. I think I am a better man today because of that experience. Your son will find his way back home. He will.

  • 11. Lorna  |  December 27, 2006 at 12:50 am

    I’ve just read all your Christmassy posts and it was like seeing past and present Christmases unfolding in front of me—the sad and the happy and the crazy. I hope that on balance, this was a good one for you

  • 12. katcampbell  |  December 27, 2006 at 1:21 am

    Dave – My mother used to say “I hope you have a kid JUST LIKE YOU”…perhaps my son is my mother’s revenge?

    Jackie – The day was mostly filled with peace and love (and we did beat the grandgirls up on Christmas morning – what’s the matter with this new generation????)

    Laura – A nice and loving thought, but I just don’t have it in me to reward bad behavior. Missing out on the fun will probably be good for him.

    Thanks Hayden! There’s always hope.

    Diesel and Tony – Thanks for sharing that, since both of you recovered, I do feel like my son will too. I have nothing but time to wait him out.

    Thank you Quilly! Prayer is powerful and I’ve never known it to fail to provide an answer, one way or the other.

    Stacy – Thanks! We had a great Christmas, even without the boy. Its only in the dead of night that I find time to brood on things, luckily only my blog friends have to witness it!

    Catch – He was indeed miserable.

    Thank you Lorna, and thanks for coming by. I hope you’ll find your way over again sometime. On the whole, it was one of our best Christmas’ ever.

  • 13. gela  |  December 27, 2006 at 6:49 am

    Oh Kat, I passed by to check if son came home. So sorry to hear that he didnt’t. I’m sure he’s miserable too. He’ll come around. Your household sounds nice though. Just like mine. Filled with love.

  • 14. katcampbell  |  December 27, 2006 at 7:40 am

    Oh he was definately miserable gela, but so stubborn he preferred wallowing in his own misery to admitting he was being a ninny. He’s young, he’ll grow out of it.

  • 15. J.  |  December 29, 2006 at 8:22 pm

    He’ll make his way back sooner or later. Shame that it has to break your heart first though.

    Gorgeous tree hon.


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