wistful

May 4, 2007 at 6:41 pm 17 comments

I was in the middle of my Arbor Day speech when I saw him slip in the back door.  He’s not a tall man. He was dressed like all the other men there: khaki’s, golf shirt, light jacket.  Leaning casually against the wall, hands in his pockets, he should have blended into the crowd like any other balding, middle aged spectator.  But for as long as I’ve known him, Pap has been surrounded by a kind of glowing light.  If he’s in the room, the energy changes, things seem louder, bigger, brighter.   

I looked his direction and he smiled, a flash of white teeth shining through his goatee.  Luckily, I’m near sighted and wasn’t wearing my glasses.  If I could have seen his eyes I would have been completely undone and lost my composure. They’re not just blue… navy near the iris fading out to icy blue at the edges.  Shimmering and deep at the same time, Pap has kind eyes.   As it was, I could feel him watching me, and that was bad enough.   

I keep trying to remind myself that the problems between us have not been resolved.  That his efforts to demonstrate he’s heard me are too new to trust as real changes.  I tell myself, you’re just tired and worried about money.  You’re better on your own.  But I’m not.   

I fit, like a puzzle piece, right under his chin.  In our worst of times, no matter how mad we were when we went to bed, no matter how far away he was in his world of depression, we’d wake up tangled together like puppies.  His arm over my ribs, his leg over mine, the feel of his breath in my hair, his heart beating against my shoulder blade.  A cocoon of warmth that has always made me feel safe, beautiful, loved.   

It will be my undoing, this chemistry between me and Pap. 

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Somebody Swear For Me happy

17 Comments Add your own

  • 1. J.  |  May 4, 2007 at 7:07 pm

    This makes me smile.
    Not your undoing at all babe. Sounds like your partner in every sense of the word.
    Now, the tricky part, is following the road you’re on and making sure things are fixed. The reward at the end sounds worth it to me!

    Reply
  • 2. Tim_Id  |  May 4, 2007 at 7:40 pm

    Pretty impressive chemistry if it can inspire such brilliant prose.

    Reply
  • 3. katcampbell  |  May 4, 2007 at 8:27 pm

    Jan – It is the tricky part, putting our puzzle back together right side up instead of upside down.

    Tim – What a nice thing to say.

    Reply
  • 4. DaveM  |  May 4, 2007 at 9:45 pm

    Kat it sounds as if you are never going to be happy away from Pap. Surely you both can come up with some compromise / arrangements which would help you both manage the expectations and tribulations of living together.
    From reading how both of you have made efforts to spend time together, it just sounds too good a basic relationship to waste. Just my thoughts Kat, I dont have any knowledge or experience to really make these pronouncements.

    Reply
  • 5. katcampbell  |  May 4, 2007 at 9:51 pm

    Dave – An insightful observation regardless of your experience. We’re working on it. Miserable together is starting to look so much more appealing than miserable apart.

    Reply
  • 6. hammer  |  May 4, 2007 at 10:25 pm

    It’s funny how things turn out in the long run.

    I sincerely hope you can find a way not to be miserable 🙂

    Reply
  • 7. LauraJ  |  May 4, 2007 at 10:47 pm

    That is love like I’ve never seen!

    Reply
  • 8. QuillDancer  |  May 5, 2007 at 12:10 am

    You just brought tears to my eyes. That is a special and precious kind of love.

    Reply
  • 9. katcampbell  |  May 5, 2007 at 2:28 am

    Hammer – Me too. We’ll keep working on it.

    Laura and Quilly – Its as much curse as blessing. We are the personification of “you can’t live with ’em, and can’t live without ’em.”

    Reply
  • 10. Linda  |  May 5, 2007 at 5:37 am

    I think it is wise to think about the good along with the bad. Desire is a crazy thing. Maybe things will work out, maybe they won’t, but I know that you will always long for this man no matter what! Reading this made my heart flutter.

    Reply
  • 11. Janet  |  May 5, 2007 at 6:51 am

    It all seems so complicated it makes my head hurt. I hope you work things out.

    Reply
  • 12. Catch  |  May 5, 2007 at 10:27 am

    When I remarried my husband all my friends begged me not to….I listened to my heart. And while it didnt work out the second time either,I had to do it my way.I listened to no one…..and I dont regret that. I knew I did all I could to make “us” last. And when we didnt ..I was ready to move on b/c nothing I ever did would change things. So you have to go through the things that you do to get to whatever point your trying to get to. You cant take anyones advice on matters of the heart….listen to your heart…and try…b/c it just might work out.

    Reply
  • 13. Gela Words  |  May 5, 2007 at 5:22 pm

    Ah Kat, that was just beautiful. Whatever the problem between you, I hope it will be resolve. Man, relationships are hard.

    Reply
  • 14. I Dive At Night  |  May 6, 2007 at 2:28 am

    Hi Kat,

    My first visit. Just followed from Quilly’s. My comment on your post…”Chocolate!”

    Good luck!

    Reply
  • 15. hayden  |  May 6, 2007 at 6:01 am

    kat, what you have is precious. Nothing good is easy, and there is a bit of poison with every gold nugget. What I wonder is this: what is the toll that all of this takes on you – both with and then now, without? How to balance that…….?

    Reply
  • 16. Shelli  |  May 10, 2007 at 3:32 am

    I understand.

    Reply
  • 17. Gawpo  |  May 13, 2007 at 2:49 am

    I wish I could have even the hard part.

    Reply

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