Irrational

May 17, 2007 at 9:00 pm 11 comments

The balcony of my apartment faces west.  I have a table out there, a couple of chairs and my ash tray.  It’s become my habit to sit out there while the grandgirls are taking their shower every night.  If I were a crow and I decided to fly from my balcony straight across the country to California, I’d end up  in the bay area, my birthplace.  I still have close family on the west coast, people I miss every single day.  Its quiet there on my balcony at that time of night.  Barely any traffic, my neighbors shut up tight in their own apartments.  If the girls don’t dawdle during their shower, they’ll call me to come dry their hair before the sun has actually started to set.  But some days, I’ll lose track of time, lost in my own thoughts and that sun will set, turning the sky to flames.  It feels like there’s a party going on without me,  just past the tree line between Ohio and California.  Irrational.

I’m neat, but I’ve never been especially anal about housekeeping…until I moved to this tiny place.  I could be running hours late and I still can’t leave my bedroom without making the bed.  Can’t leave the bathroom without hanging up the towels, swishing out the sink.  Can’t leave at all without plumping up the sofa pillows.  Irrational. 

Last weekend my only son graduated from college.  Two days of beautiful ceremony’s (baccalaureate and actual graduation).  This ranked right up there with my top 10 proudest moments, I actually like speeches and yet…I don’t think I caught 2 words in 10 because I couldn’t take my eyes off the sign language interpreters.  Irrational. 

In order to simplify my life, I added a one hour commute to my day, dumped the source of 3/4 of my income and abandoned my home.  Irrational. 

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Scaling Down, Thinning Out Fantasize

11 Comments Add your own

  • 1. lauraj  |  May 17, 2007 at 9:21 pm

    blame it on midlife crisis? menopause?

    Reply
  • 2. hammer  |  May 17, 2007 at 9:42 pm

    It’s natural to second guess ourselves. I find writing about things does help sort out reality.

    Sounds like you are able to enjoy your grandkids though 🙂

    Reply
  • 3. katcampbell  |  May 17, 2007 at 10:10 pm

    Laura – Life crisis…that’s as good an explanation as any.

    Hammer – I’d enjoy the grandkids even more if they lived at their mother’s house instead of mine. Jeesh, I’ve done the whole nurturing thing, I’m ready for a freakin nap!

    Reply
  • 4. Nessa  |  May 18, 2007 at 1:00 am

    Sometimes everything just seems to be too much. Irrational is an ok place to be sometimes.

    Reply
  • 5. quilldancer  |  May 18, 2007 at 4:16 am

    Sometimes “irrational” is the sanest place to be.

    Reply
  • 6. Mimi  |  May 18, 2007 at 7:52 am

    Life can take some crazy and sad turns. But in many cases, especially mine, those turns lead to something wonderful. And the wonderful would never have happened w/o that detour. I hope one day you can say the same:)

    Reply
  • 7. Mr. Fabulous  |  May 18, 2007 at 1:54 pm

    However, if you were a crow you would not be able to type blog entries.

    Reply
  • 8. katcampbell  |  May 18, 2007 at 2:04 pm

    Mr. Fab – So true, thanks for putting everything into proper perspective.

    Mimi – Intriquing, I look forward to getting past the orange barrels and caution tape of my current detour.

    Quilly – Not this time, feels too icky to be the sane place.

    Nessa – “Too Much” is an apt description of my current circumstances.

    Reply
  • 9. Therevdrkate  |  May 18, 2007 at 4:59 pm

    Sometimes the irrational is the Holy Spirit’s speaking to us – getting us to pay attention in new ways to the things troubling our souls and asking to be freed.
    So glad that your son’s graduation was a wonderful and moving experience! My older one graduates from high school week after next!

    Reply
  • 10. katcampbell  |  May 18, 2007 at 7:15 pm

    Dr. Kate – What an uplifting way to think of it. Congrats to your son! Graduation is right up there in life’s top ten moments.

    Reply
  • 11. smileymama  |  May 24, 2007 at 7:27 am

    Ahhh…when you write, I hear you speak. My heart feels suddenly heavy. What you are descibing in between the lines, the melancholy. I feel that coming out of your words. This too is irrational, but there it is.
    It’s gonna be ok.
    T

    Reply

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