Archive for June 4, 2007

Move It Fatso

When my first husband left me in the early eighties he took everything but our two kids and  their cribs.  I lost so much weight, so fast, my friends swore they could see it dropping off as they watched.  We called it the divorce diet.  I never had to fuss much to keep my weight within manageable boundaries.  Then I turned 40.  It got a little tougher, but with diligence, I didn’t have to buy new jeans for any reason except my old ones had worn out.  Then I left Pap and the cosmos turned on me.

Somehow I’ve managed to gain 60 pounds.  I’m sure they didn’t all pile on since I left Pap, but enough of ’em made the migration that I now own a closet full of clothes that don’t fit.  This is unacceptable.  It looks gross and I have no money to buy new clothes. I had no choice but to turn my life over to the Princess of Pain.  For such a tiny girl, she has a wickedly wide mean streak. 

We started out with a pedometer, something to measure how many steps I take a day.  It hasn’t come without complications.  The first one fell off my belt and landed in the toilet during one of the 3,000 trips I make a day from exchanging water for diet pepsi.  I put the next one in my pocket so it wouldn’t fall off and apparently they don’t work if placed in a pocket.  We’ve finally found a place on my body to put the pedometer and it was an eye opener.  Old people in wheel chairs move more than I do.  10,000 steps a day to maintain your weight, 12,000 steps to lose anything.  My best day was 1,568.  Her first official act was to add a walking regimen to my daily routine. 

We started at the trail built for walking at the hospital.  A measured mile, easy slopes, tree covered walkway – several benches and a gazebo to stop and rest on.  Then she got serious.  She took me to the cemetary. 

 Its just up the road from our apartment.  A beautiful place directly across the street from the country club.   Miles and miles of nicely paved roads all of which seem to be slanting up.  I’m sure my heart stopped beating at least three times on that walk.  I was okay with that, at least if I croak on one of those walks she can just kick me into a plot and finish her workout. 

4 pounds down.  56 to go. 

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June 4, 2007 at 4:00 pm 18 comments


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