Archive for March 5, 2009

The Man In The Hole

coveredwellThe residual effects on a family of a nation in recession are playing out with textbook accuracy here in my home.  After months, weeks and hours searching fruitlessly for a company willing to hire two middle aged people who are overqualified for half the available jobs and under educated for the other half..Pap has descended into the hole. 

I’ve dealt with his depression through all 28 years of our marriage and I’ve always had a mental picture of an abandoned well, Pap curled into a fetal position at the bottom.  Most of the time, I can also see a few ropes dangling into the hole, well within his reach if he’ll just extend a hand.  One rope tied securely to me, a couple clutched in the meaty hand of  one of his friends, a slender piece of shiny nylon drifting down to him from his faith in a higher being.  Before, he eventually grabbed onto one of those ropes and pulled himself back into the sunshine. 

This time he snatched onto the well’s lid as he let  a dwindling bank account, no health insurance, no prescription coverage and the steady elimination of little luxeries so we can take care of the necessities push him down to the cold, rocky bottom of this abandoned well. 

I don’t pretend to truly understand his kind of depression.  I can’t see my husband in this scowling, emotional, self-centered man.  He doesn’t seem to hear me or see me. He can’t look forward or back. He’s living completely in the dark, miserable, horror of the moment, blind, deaf and irrational. 

With the cover on the hole this time, I fear we who love him are just not strong enough to lift it off.

March 5, 2009 at 9:29 am 10 comments

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