The Man In The Hole

March 5, 2009 at 9:29 am 10 comments

coveredwellThe residual effects on a family of a nation in recession are playing out with textbook accuracy here in my home.  After months, weeks and hours searching fruitlessly for a company willing to hire two middle aged people who are overqualified for half the available jobs and under educated for the other half..Pap has descended into the hole. 

I’ve dealt with his depression through all 28 years of our marriage and I’ve always had a mental picture of an abandoned well, Pap curled into a fetal position at the bottom.  Most of the time, I can also see a few ropes dangling into the hole, well within his reach if he’ll just extend a hand.  One rope tied securely to me, a couple clutched in the meaty hand of  one of his friends, a slender piece of shiny nylon drifting down to him from his faith in a higher being.  Before, he eventually grabbed onto one of those ropes and pulled himself back into the sunshine. 

This time he snatched onto the well’s lid as he let  a dwindling bank account, no health insurance, no prescription coverage and the steady elimination of little luxeries so we can take care of the necessities push him down to the cold, rocky bottom of this abandoned well. 

I don’t pretend to truly understand his kind of depression.  I can’t see my husband in this scowling, emotional, self-centered man.  He doesn’t seem to hear me or see me. He can’t look forward or back. He’s living completely in the dark, miserable, horror of the moment, blind, deaf and irrational. 

With the cover on the hole this time, I fear we who love him are just not strong enough to lift it off.

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Entry filed under: depression, Family, Social commentary.

Away Too Long Cousins

10 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Quilly  |  March 5, 2009 at 11:47 am

    I am praying for Pap — and for you.

    Reply
  • 2. Little old me  |  March 5, 2009 at 3:49 pm

    My heart goes out to you,

    I have in the past had depression and I can only offer what I felt. I knew I was being horrible to those around me, I knew I was hurting them and that hurt me, but there was nothing I could do to stop myself. When I got better I told my husband that it felt like being in a long tunnel and no matter how hard I ran to get out of it, the opening just didn’t get any nearer. So I stopped trying. At times I felt like two people, There was me standing outside my body watching me being so cold and hurtful to those that loved me, and I could do nothing to stop it, I would scream at myself to stop, I hated myself. It’s a scary feeling.

    Now after many years, (mine started in my teens), I can now recognise when I am heading for that tunnel. It’s then I step back and look at my life count my blessings, and sometimes talk myself out of it. But it’s not easy

    Reply
  • 3. katcampbell  |  March 5, 2009 at 5:46 pm

    Quilly – Thank you.

    LOM – Thank you! Crazy as this sounds, its really helpful to know that HE knows what he’s doing on some level.

    Reply
  • 4. anhinga  |  March 5, 2009 at 7:20 pm

    Is anything more painful than having a loved one shut you out–for whatever reason? You are going through the same trails Pap is and have this additional one. Is there a social service where you can get help in your circumstance? I will keep you both in my prayers. Take care of your needs.

    Reply
  • 5. LJ  |  March 5, 2009 at 8:48 pm

    Big big hugs and much love too!

    Reply
  • 6. nessa  |  March 5, 2009 at 11:40 pm

    Kat, I am so sorry. I too will pray for you both.

    Reply
  • 7. Hayden  |  March 6, 2009 at 7:03 am

    ughhhh. so very, very hard for you – and of course, for him too. the worst is the utter break in communication, the mutual isolation. Please take good care of yourself. This, too, will pass. Hang on.

    Reply
  • 8. jason evans  |  March 7, 2009 at 12:53 am

    I’m sorry for that, Kat. Deeply. I grew up with a father who battled depression. Too little attention is given to the damage to people down around depression.

    Reply
  • 9. Froth  |  March 8, 2009 at 8:37 am

    I’m sorry you and he and your family are going through this. We’ve had our battles as well with that and I just pray for your strength and ability to gut it through. It’s amazing how joy can appear out of the blue when least expected.
    God bless.

    Reply
  • 10. guyana gyal  |  March 9, 2009 at 2:26 am

    Dear Pap, I hope you’re okay soon.

    Dear Kat, I hope you’re hanging on.

    Jobs will come.

    Reply

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